10 years…

10 years

I spend a lot of time thinking and wondering why things happen the way they do, you know… the things that are completely out of our control. Here to report that even with all of that thinking, I still don’t have the answer for that question. Myself, like a lot of people, hate seeing hard things, or living them, and my heart still aches for so many people living with hard things. So much we do not, and will not understand this side of heaven. That is hard to grapple with. Even for me, a believer in Jesus Christ.

10 years ago, I got a call from the doctors office that changed my entire world, and the old Melissa died that day. I was a newly married, mother of 2 little kids (Emma was 2, and Grady was just 10 months old), who was pretty happy with the way life was going. I felt so blessed in so many ways, our story was just beginning as a family. I also wasn’t a stranger to a hard medical diagnosis, I have another one that I don’t talk about to many people, that I live with. So much people do not know about what people are going through, but that is another story!

31 years old, stage 2 breast cancer. No genetic mutations, no family history, zero risk factors. Bam. There I was regardless. I was what is considered to be very lucky, and still am. It was caught early, I had the best team of physicians in the world at Dana Farber in Boston (just google Eric P Winer, Breast Oncologist), and had the best case scenario all along the way. My first appointment with baby Grady (pic below), my tear swollen eyes (a pic I didn’t think I would ever share publicly lol), and Dr. Winer looked at me so nonchalantly and said “You’re going to be fine. Long year for a long life. And don’t worry we are protecting those ovaries too, you’ll need those in the future.” He knew my heart ached for not feeling like our family was complete at that time. Reid and Maddie are our miracle babies, and even conceived after all of those heavy chemotherapy drugs with barely blinking which was a blessing haha. Fertility was not one of our battles, and we were thankful for that. After I was “cleared” to have another baby, I joined the POSITIVE trial at Dana Farber, to help document the fact that it is in fact safe, to have babies after breast cancer. Something that science had actually been wrong in for so many years. I had so many people say things, and look at me like I was crazy for doing such a thing after breast cancer. Through this trial, I was able to provide documentation for so many women in the future to have kids after breast cancer, and I am glad for them that they will be able to see someone who was brave, followed her heart and did that.

2015+ was a hard and lonely 18 months, all while raising 2 young kids. Greg was super husband/dad, working and commuting to Boston everyday supporting our family, and being everything for me, and Emma and Grady. I had some of the most amazing friends from Boston who came up to hang with me and bring so many gifts and meals when they could, they were my lifeline. I couldn’t have done it without them.

But why am I writing all of this? Two reasons. One is that because life continues to roll on, and whenever I see people going through cancer or really any shitty situation that they didn’t ask for, just know that when you reach out and call/text, sit with them physically, make time to be present and available with their kids, sit in the uncomfortable, it makes all the difference. I remember every single person.

Two, is that sometimes these hard things bring clarity, and they help push us into our dreams. I have always loved photography, but after that January 21, 2015 diagnosis, photography, along with my family gave me something to focus on, something to keep my mind busy. Something to harness and learn. So when I picked the “established date” for my business, although I didn’t go full throttle right away, I always say it was 2015. That year I bought a camera, and a laptop, and started spending my late hours and early mornings when Emma and Grady were sleeping, learning and studying it, doing friends and families pictures as a business. I think I struggled to go full speed ahead until after that 5 year mark… when I was considered “cured.” My kids, and my marriage were all I wanted to put my time and energy fully into at that point.

So… thinking on 10 years… I remember feeling so desperate to see a happy glimpse into my future… I wondered what would be… I wish I could have seen what God was going to do. Thankful feels like a massive understatement, and I know that the outcome I had, is not so, for so many people. I wrestle with the survivor guilt in it all every day. I don’t take the gift of each day lightly. Every day is a gift, life is so fragile. But… live YOUR life, and don’t let anyone tell you how to do that. You know what you love, the dreams of your own family, and who loves you back, you will remember the people who drew near, who walked closely beside you.

Anyway, thanks for reading if you made it this far! Just thoughts I enjoyed putting into writing on this January day as I sit in awe of where I am at today. If you are in it right now… hang in there. And if you know someone in it right now, reach out, pursue them, don’t be afraid, it will mean the world to them that you care and made the effort. They won’t bite.

We sing this song in church, and I love it so much, and of course think of this journey a lot that I’ve overcame.

Back to Life
By Bethel

“I have been born again, my heart is free

The hope of heaven before me, the grave behind

Hallelujah you brought me back to life

How can I begin to thank you
For all that you’ve done for me?
Jesus, to fully praise You
It will take all of eternity
Just like Lazarus
Oh, you brought me back to life

The enemy thought he had me
But Jesus said, You are mine”